Sometimes the adult in me rationalizes that loss is simply a part of life. Yet when we do face significant losses, such words of comfort and acts of support often fail to hit the mark. Grief overwhelms the senses, making it difficult to see beyond despair.
I’ll be honest. Right now, my life is pretty good and I have no complaints. When life is going well, my spirit is grateful. At the root of this, some part of me wants to believe I have had some control over life, as if I have somehow tapped into a magical combination of prayer, good works and faith that protects my family from harm and inoculates me from pain.
Yet my adult side knows better, and it humors this childish part of me because, inevitably, loss occurs. When it does, my inner child may feel short-changed and angry. Once-whispered “Thank you’s” to God become “How could you’s?”
When we are confronted by grief, each of us becomes, in a way, a different person. The resulting dilemma we all face is how to find our way out of the place that grief thrusts us—a place where we’re living, yet not feeling totally alive. Can we ever come to trust or joyfully embrace life again?
When grief strikes, it helps to have tools at hand that are familiar and ready to use. To be prepared doesn’t mean "tempting fate" or implying that terrible things will happen. What I am talking about is similar to childbirth. The onset of labor signals that, prepared or not, a baby will soon be born. If not physically, then at least emotionally, the pains of birth are easier to confront when the mother is prepared and works with, not against them.
In the same manner, preparing for grief before it happens means acquiring the tools and wisdom needed to gain an understanding of the process and to nurture yourself. Being prepared is like carrying matches in your pocket. Although they are small, most times it only takes a little spark to ignite a light.
What follows is an overview of the nature of grief: life changes, feelings of loss, finding a new "normal", and recognizing the symptoms of grief (1). As you read these words, may you gain familiarity and confidence knowing that you can navigate through the journey of grief.
Change
“There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV) (2)
Nothing remains the same. Change is an ever-present part of life. Even for those who win the lottery, the familiar takes leave and one's personal world can be turned upside-down. As author and teacher Caroline Myss explains; “Change signals loss of control and entry into the unknown.” (3) Fear of losing the people, places and things that give life meaning can creep in, leaving us feeling un-grounded and vulnerable.
Examples of Change:
• Marriage
• A child leaving home
• Moving or loss of familiar surroundings
• Loss or death of a pet
• Death of a family member or friend
• Changes in personal health
• Change of financial status
• New employment status
Grief
“In three words I can sum up
everything I’ve learned about life:
it goes on.” (Robert Frost) (4)
Invited or not, the constant of change surrounds our lives. When changes in life are perceived as loss, grief is the natural response. Depending on the magnitude of loss, waves of unpredictable emotions can appear along with a variety of physical symptoms.
There is no one way to grieve. Although its expression is unique to the individual, there are some common characteristics that tend to partner with grief.
Common Characteristics of Grief:
• Out-of-control behavior. Acting irrationally or acting out of emotions.
• A variety of emotions. This may include feelings of anger, denial, fear, guilt, loneliness, sadness, acceptance, or depression.
• Physical symptoms. Depending on the individual, a person might be unable to eat or may eat continuously; may be unable to sleep or always sleepy; or may experience new ailments and body aches.
• Relationship issues. Any existing cracks in a relationship become visible under the stress of grief.
• Loss of life purpose. When the focus of life disappears (the death of a spouse, children moving away, losing a job, etc.) emptiness takes its place.
• Loss or questioning of religious beliefs. The darkness of grief can dim the light of faith.
• Substance abuse. Some find themselves using drugs or alcohol to self-medicate.
• Suicidal feelings or thoughts. These may surface as a perceived route of escape from emotional pain that feels unbearable.
Even though the experience of grief is universal, it is not always socially acceptable. For example, crying during a sad movie might be considered normal, yet a person could be pressured by friends or family to be strong and not cry when coping with a real-life situation such as the death of a loved one.
In fact, holding grief inside prevents its healing. Similar to laughing out loud, expressing grief is a cathartic release. Understanding the emotion makes it less scary.
Things to Remember When Grieving:
• There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no timetable. Normal is what is normal for you. Do not let other people put their expectations onto you.
• Loss affects you emotionally, physically and spiritually. Every aspect of life becomes colored by grief.
• Grief can be triggered by our senses, time or memory. For example: a specific fragrance can trigger a memory, an anniversary or holiday can allow feelings of loss to re-emerge, or a memory can pop up out of nowhere to re-ignite grief.
• When grieving, stay in the present moment. Now, this very moment, is all we have. Holding onto the past can become a burden, and worrying about the future is unproductive.
• Do not isolate yourself. It is normal and valuable to seek support. As a Swedish proverb says, "Friendship doubles our joy and divides our grief." (5) Or, as another proverb states, “Two in distress makes sorrow less.” (6)
• All losses remain a part of our lives. It is like carrying a grief backpack. When the backpack is opened to receive a new loss, emotions connected with losses from the past can resurface, especially those not fully grieved.
Moving Beyond Grief
While author William Bridges was trying to make sense of grief experienced in his life, he concluded that the hardest part about change was dealing with where it left him. In other words, change thrusts us into an unfamiliar landscape. Grief is our yearning for the old. Unfortunately, familiarity cannot be rushed. It takes time to get used to anything new. This transitional period of regaining a foothold in life is called "finding a new 'normal' ". (7)
Although finding a new normal cannot be hurried, practicing self care can help ease the process. Psychologist Thomas Moore states, “…we care for each other, befriend each other, and heal each other; this can be accomplished only if we care for ourselves, are friendly to ourselves, and heal ourselves.”(8) Allow yourself compassion.
Finding a New Normal:
• Know that grief is a normal response to loss. To get through grief, allow yourself to feel grief. Feelings associated with grief will soften and change over time.
• Acknowledge loss. Don’t minimize the loss or its impact on your life.
• Engaging body, mind and spirit helps to process loss. Try exercise (walking, yoga, bike riding, etc.), arts and crafts, music (listening, singing, playing an instrument), etc.
• Honor your loss. Create ceremony in your life as a tangible expression of what you are feeling. For example: set up a memorial or altar; set aside time for prayer and/or request prayers from your faith community; visit a place that comforts and has meaning.
• Stay in the present moment. Focus on the single most difficult issue… right now. Assess what is needed… right now.
• Seek individual assistance or join a support group. The freedom to tell your story in a safe setting helps to process hurt and promote healing.
• Celebrate your victories. Give yourself credit for the hard work of grief. And allow yourself to have fun!
Now What?
Many times I’ve heard the well-meaning platitude, “God never gives a person more than they can bear.” This makes me wonder, does God purposely test faith? Does God really choose to snatch meaning out of our lives? I don’t think so yet I have no explanation. These questions are best left for theologians to ponder.
All I do know is that life is complex, and loss is inevitable. When experiencing grief, time can appear to stand still. Patience with yourself and with the process can seem impossible. Yet others have traveled the same path. Long before you were born, prayers have been prayed on your behalf. Their echoes are found in this re-visioned Psalm:
“Teach us to be patient with ourselves, that we might offer the gift of patience to others; O, that we might learn to be calm, to persevere with utter trust as we face the fears that bind us. We yearn for all that will bring us new life, we long for your very Presence among us; Comfort us, O Beloved, with the tranquility of your Spirit; lead us into calm waters.” (Psalm 106) (9)
Embrace the intention of self love through patience. Trust the process. You will find joy and experience peace.
In closing, I wish you blessing on your journey. May love and support be found within you, and may love and support be given to you. And, may the happiness in your life always outweigh any grief you must bear.
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NOTES
(1) Janet Childs, Grief Counselor, Crisis Intervention Specialist and CISM Consultant, janetchilds@sbcglobal.net. Janet is co-founder of the Center for Living with Dying in Santa Clara, California. For over thirty years she has generously shared her compassion and deep-spirited wisdom with those experiencing trauma and grief in the community. Much of her teaching is the foundation of this article. For all she has taught me, I am grateful.
(2) Ecclesiastes 3:1, from the New International Version, www.Bible Gateway.com.
(3) Caroline Myss, Sacred Contracts. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2003.
(4) Robert Frost from http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_griefsorrow.html.
(5) Swedish proverb, fromhttp://thinkexist.com/quotation/friendship_doubles_our_joy_and_divides_our_grief/14841.html.
(6) Fom http://www.wisdomquotes.com/cat_griefsorrow.html.
(7) William Bridges, Transitions: Making Sense of Life’s Changes. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press, 2004.
(8) Thomas Moore, Dark Nights of the Soul. New York: Gotham Books, 2004.
(9) Nan C. Merrill, Psalms for Praying: An Invitation to Wholeness. New York: Continuum, 2008.
