Why is death painful? Do people who are dying suffer needlessly? Is there a reason for pain? These questions haunt me not only because it is my destiny to die, but because the pain that can be part of dying afflicts its witnesses too.
When my friend's mother was recently hospitalized, this question resurfaced. Although she had been losing ground for the last few years in her battle against disease, during her hospital stay it became clear that treatment was no longer a viable option. Signing up with hospice was the logical choice. Yet the shift felt curt, as if it had come without warning.
Death appeared imminent, yet my friend's mom was reconciled with her fate. Peace graced her spirit.
Then surprisingly, between returning back home, gaining physical comfort and being around the constant support of family, her condition noticeably improved. Extra time was a gift, as if a stay of execution had been granted. Hope replaced the initial shock of impending demise.
Yet as a quasi-normal life emerged, difficult emotions of loss, sadness and grief made themselves known. With a reach that extends beyond the physical, death's pain is "total pain" that envelopes body, mind and spirit. (1) Therefore, good days never felt good, because pain seemed to weasel in.
This question of pain's relation to death brings to mind a personal experience preceding the birth of my second child. Towards the end of labor, all was going well until complications suddenly arose. During transition, right before full dilation, progress stopped even though contractions continued for hours. This period of un-medicated pain wore my defenses down to the point where I understood, without a doubt, that the veil of death was sheer. Though this wasn't my time to depart, pain had revealed the presence of death's portal. I understood that leaving this life is not a big leap—it is a tiny step.
Death is always near and ready to be of service. It is we who are not aware of death's close proximity. How ironic that giving birth would teach me this important lesson about death.
This experience affected me profoundly. All of life's experiences can't help but shape us, and this is particularly true of its difficulties. Even though a life of bliss and happiness seems like the ultimate reality, to know only joy would not foster spiritual development. Joy provides happy memories, but such experiences tend to be self-contained and contracted. True, we like to share happiness. Yet joy can be like a spotlight that illuminates one person brightly, allowing others to witness but not shine in the light. It can come across as being something that is "ours" to share—an experience that others are invited to join in by feeling happy too.
As we weave the fibers of life—which include love, joy, suffering, anxiety…and yes, pain—they create our story, our unique narrative, resulting in a tapestry of our creation. None of us will be untouched by pain. In contrast to happiness, painful experiences tend to be profound teachers. Not only does empathy increase sensitivity to the suffering of others, pain can deepen one's emotional well of caring and compassion. Alternatively, by insisting life will never get better, people can fill their well with bitterness and anger.
So, back to the question, why is death so intertwined with pain? Are we unable to find our way to death without pain's portal? Would we lack personal depth without bearing witness to others' pain? I don’t know, but perhaps experience holds the answer. As C.S. Lewis bluntly states, “Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn.” (2)
We may not have a choice regarding the terms of our death or losses we must bear, but we do have a choice in how we respond. If we allow pain to teach us, to touch us in a way that deepens our capacity for personal caring and compassion, then even if its meaning is never fully understood, at least the suffering it has caused will not be wasted.
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NOTES
(1) Saunders, Cicely, http://www.endoflife.northwestern.edu/religion_spirituality/pain.cfm
(2) Lewis, C.S., http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/c/c_s_lewis.html
