For years I’ve felt the gentle calling to support people who are experiencing loss or facing a life-threatening illness. While this has been my ministry, I was surprised to land at ChI.
You see, instead of relying on my planning skills, much of my journey here has felt like following bread crumbs, not knowing where they would lead. Since I am a person who lives a life of lists, releasing my sense of control has been unnerving.
I have to admit, this day feels a little surreal as I never would have guessed that 
the breadcrumbs would lead me to ordination. What a Blessing of Circumstance!
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While working for a pre-hospice program, I had a client who touched me deeply and taught me much. Dwayne was battling esophageal cancer. Realizing that treatments were no longer an option, his oncologist referred him to hospice.
However, used to taking care of himself, Dwayne wanted nothing to do with it. He was quite sure that his own therapy of eating certain foods and taking specific vitamins could produce a cure. Not a bad course of action, but unfortunately his plan was no match for his quickly advancing disease.
This is where I stepped in.
When I met Dwayne he was angry. He’d felt used by life and abandoned by his doctor. Having lived a hard life, he was distrustful of anyone who said they wanted to help, and, rightfully so. To Dwayne, “help” meant someone was out to take advantage of him.
Although he was wary, Dwayne decided to give the program a try. As the weeks passed I used every opportunity to talk about hospice services. It became obvious that his health was quickly deteriorating.
One day during a visit, it was clear that Dwayne had crossed a threshold – his pain was becoming unbearable, and he had lost hope in his self-prescribed regimen of cure. In frustration I asked again, why was he against hospice care?
At this point Dwayne believed he had nothing to lose – he spoke his truth. He believed hospice was going to come in with a hospital bed, hook him up to an IV, and euthanize him.
I was couldn’t believe what I was hearing. To Dwayne, hospice meant a more certain death than the cancer he was fighting. Even though I had presented facts about hospice for weeks, my words were never heard. With personal barriers lowered, now we could finally communicate.
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Like Dwayne, I, too, held barriers that kept me a prisoner, but this was in regards to my carefully constructed spirituality. I had thought that sticking with the familiar was a way of knowing God.
For me, limiting my outward learning about God to books and lectures was like peering through a hole in my fence, it provided a very limited view. Books have their place, yet facts printed in black and white have no flesh and bones. Words printed on a page carry no soul.
Like Dwayne, my barriers were built out of misunderstanding. I thought living within my religious compound was keeping me safe. A part of me sensed that if I touched upon the vastness of God, my life would never be the same. This was the part of me that was drawn here to ChI.
In the past year, either on my own or in class, I have visited over 26 different spiritual centers. During each month at ChI while immersed in a new religion, I wanted to say, "THIS one is my favorite."
The experience of what I once considered “other” has changed my world. Words can’t describe – it’s like looking at light refracted through a prism where beautiful colors emerge.
Lowering barriers, I have been spiritually supported and inspired by my brothers and sisters of various faith traditions. My understanding of our oneness with each other and with all creation has shifted from intellectual… to heartfelt… to spiritual truth.
As a result, my spirit is less guarded. With less standing between me and others, I am now better able to pursue my ministry and support those who suffer loss.
Lowering personal barriers and stepping outside of a safe defined compound is not easy. Like Dwayne, it took time for me to trust. And like Dwayne, I found I can’t always take care of myself.
I have learned that it is only through surrender
that we can be touched by another
and our spirit can heal.
