Life changes, even when positive, may leave us conflicted. Most people can’t imagine stepping out of the house without their cell phones, and at the same time admit to yearning for the “good old days” of a simpler life.
Sydney J. Harris summarizes this paradox: “Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.” (1)
Life is not the same as it was for our parents or their parents before them. Each generation is witness to change. Some of the most dramatic changes can be found in medicine, with many illnesses that used to be considered terminal now easily treated and cured.
For example, my grandfather caught a cold that developed into a chest infection. As his condition worsened, he was hospitalized. Doctors did what they could, but without the discovery of antibiotics, his death came quickly. Similar circumstances today could produce a more favorable outcome.
However, change comes at a price. In medicine, advances that support a longer life do not guarantee a complete recovery. For many, the end of life is preceded by a long slide of managed decline or chronic illness. Faced with degenerating health, each person must decide if their glass is half empty or half full. Is less than optimal health a harbinger of impending death or the blessing of extended life?
Medical advances have unintentionally created a new phase of life that I call "waning". Even in waning, life can be fulfilling and joyful. To achieve this, one must find answers by maintaining hope, nurturing one's spirit, and befriending death.
Maintain Hope.
To have hope is life-affirming. As a French proverb states, “Hope is the dream of a soul awake.” (2) It fills life with meaning by creating attainable goals congruent with reality. However, some hopes might need redefinition. For example, when a marriage ends in divorce, hopes held by the former couple will need to be evaluated by each partner as they re-define themselves singularly.
For those in waning, long-term hopes that require expansive years may have to be realigned to fit a short-term reality. Attainable hopes could mean deepening relationships, reconciling the past with forgiveness, or connecting with whatever brings joy. Hope does not need to be complex. It can be as simple as seeing the sun rise and welcoming a new day.
Nurture Your Spirit. Slow down to find your inner spark. Become aware. Meditation and prayer allow the heart to give and receive love. On our own we might not know where we are going or how to get there. A spiritual director, priest, rabbi or minister can offer support to help you navigate this heart-felt journey.
Even if you’ve neglected this aspect of your being, no guilt! Trust that openness to Spirit will allow blessings to abound.
Make Friends with Death.
When healthy, death can feel like an option; something that only happens to others. Yet at some point in every life, death becomes an intimate reality. Both certain and unknown, it is frightening. Yet, avoidance only makes fear stronger. Ironically, facing and embracing what we fear diffuses it.
My life-long fear of clowns abated when I watched a news clip about a clown school. Seeing everyday folks in street attire practice clowning allowed me to realize the humanity beneath the costume and makeup. I still don’t like clowns, but as their mystery dissolved, my fears dissolved too.
On a similar note, no one has to like death. Yet, reducing fear allows space for more welcome emotions to reside.
Blessings and opportunities can be found at every stage of life if we choose to see them. So if we can maintain hope, nurture our spirit and make friends with death in the waning of life, why don’t we do this all the time? I believe it is challenging to be realistic in a society that tends to avoid reality. Truckloads of advertising dollars are spent supporting the notion that adopting youthful looks, attire and disposition will keep us young forever. We literally buy into the pitch that looking young is the same as being young, as we purchase consumer goods aimed at maintaining the illusion that to never grow old is to never die. With youthfulness holding the focus, end-of-life issues can seem remote and irrelevant.
In a sense, life is lived looking backwards through a rear-view mirror that reflects our youthful past. This false perspective cannot be maintained forever. Jarring as it is, at some point reality steps in.
Personally, I admit to finding it challenging to accept the changes of aging. I find that looking in the mirror is much easier with my glasses off because my “uncorrected” vision erases most wrinkles. However, holding youth as the standard creates a dilemma. While youth might look good, it lacks the substance of experience. Time-earned wisdom is undervalued or lost.
Unfortunately, by keeping our focus on the façade of eternal youth, death is banished. Dying is failing to stay forever young. Yet it is an unescapable fact that we all die. If allowed a voice, death can be a great teacher. Its lesson of a finite life urges all to use each moment wisely.
I believe waning might be death’s invention. Yes, medicine created this phase, but perhaps death willed it. As humans, we are meant to learn the lessons of youth, young adulthood, middle age and our elder years. Through waning, death is trying one last time to capture our attention and respect.
To leave our flesh-bound existence before learning from all stages is to miss the point of life. Each person must choose either to deny the passing years or to witness to changes brought by time.
Get to know death—it can teach you to value life. Trust life and trust the process. Maintain hope. Listen; your soul has dreams to share. Nurture your spirit; its vision transcends material limitations.
In closing, I’d like to offer a blessing:
May you look backward to enjoy fond memories,
may you look forward with anticipation,
and may you truly live each day,
embracing the passage of time
and the constancy of change.
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NOTES
1. Grothe, Dr. Mardy, Oxymoronica, HarperCollins: New York, 2004, p. 44.
2. http://thinkexist.com/quotes/french_proverb/
