I am passionate about helping couples have a spiritually intimate relationship! When I meet with couples who have hired me to marry them, I usually rant and rave—no, I mean, I gently tell them—about this belief, and I urge them to develop this practice in their married life.
Recently I created a workshop for couples. My intention was to help couples develop greater spiritual intimacy with one another—so essential to a healthy, growing committed relationship. The first time I offered it, 4 couples took the class—and did they ever do their work! I was awed and honored.
The workshop is entitled Visions and Vows. In the morning, I help each individual bring forth his or her own personal vision for life: Who am I? What am I here for? What do I want to accomplish in this particular lifetime?
Next, I give them a short (very short) overview about the practice of spiritual direction, following which I invite them to share their visions with their mate. One shares while the other listens deeply and engages as a spiritual director might. Then they switch roles.
In the afternoon, I help the couples write additional vows for their marriage, committing to support one another in realizing their visions. Finally, I guide them in creating action lists to put into their calendars, to move together toward the accomplishment of their visions. Words made flesh.
Here are several of the participants’ comments: “I especially loved the application of the spiritual direction technique to how we listen to each other.” “Favorite part: just being face to face with B. and sharing openly.” “I learned and practiced how to listen without giving advice.” “My partner and I learned a lot about each other—and we thought we already knew everything!”
Although there is not enough space here to outline the entire workshop in detail, I do want to share the instructions for acting as spiritual directors for one another, which I give to the couples who take Visions and Vows. This framework guides my spiritual direction practice; I hope that it is useful to you too.
Spiritual Direction for Couples: A Brief Introduction
• In spiritual direction, we “help people tell their sacred stories every day.” In spiritual direction, one person witnesses the movement of Spirit (or God) in another. It is being a companion to the other on his/her spiritual journey—which is what life is.
• To do this spiritual companioning, we listen lovingly to the other as she/he tells her story, and we honor and affirm every piece of that story. We do not advise, counsel, direct, suggest, or put words in the other’s mouth. Although doing this work can also lead us to notice how Spirit is calling to us in our own lives, we do not offer our own story.
• To act like spiritual directors to one another:
Listen with appreciation, love, and approval.
Hold your partner’s vision as a sacred statement.
Honor your partner
Thank your partner.
• In the course of your regular lives, you will have all the time in the world to discuss things with one another, offer suggestions and ideas, etc.! So for now, in “spiritual direction mode,” just listen.
• Sometimes you may have to wait in silence, for the next thing to be said. That silence is where Spirit moves. Be patient!
• As my spiritual direction teacher says: when you are the spiritual director, “be slow, be stupid, be silent.”