Over the past 6 weeks, I have somehow become exhausted. And my response to it, besides going home every day in the early afternoon to take a (major) nap, has been to study it, ponder it, wonder about it, make excuses for it, try to justify it, list all the causes for it—in short, become totally obsessed with my exhaustion.
Gradually, however, with all of this busy activity of my mind, I have found myself not finding answers, but rather becoming—you guessed it—only MORE EXHAUSTED!
I am happy to report that, through the power of Grace, I am gradually accepting this state, and coming to appreciate and honor it. I decided to make it my friend, rather than an enemy which must be fought against and strategized over. In fact, more than a friend, my exhaustion is becoming my teacher, my guide. I respect and honor it, and every day now, I ask it what it has to teach me.
“What do you want me to know about myself? What are you asking of me?”
I’d love to tell you that a booming (or quiet, even) voice comes out of the blue, giving me a clear answer, like “You are tired, Girl!” or “I want you to go lie on a beach!” or something simple. But no, that is never the way the voice of Divine Wisdom speaks to me, nor has it ever at any time in my entire life! Why would I think It would communicate any differently now?
But because of the large amounts of time I spend daily doing nothing, new ideas are coming to me, and I am paying attention to them.
In my state of tiredness and a constant need to rest (which I have been describing as indolence and sloth), brand new ideas have come to me out of the blue, which are bringing me to a whole new place. I graduated from ChI over three years ago, and have gradually developed some ministry practices that could be described as a business: I perform weddings and other sacred ceremonies, and I give spiritual direction. But at the same time, I have clung tightly to my long-term business selling real estate, and also to my long-term spiritual practice of participating in several twelve-step programs, giving lots of service in all of them.
One of the ideas that came to me was that I do not need to spend so much time in meetings and with recovering folks as I have been. As a dear friend told me, there are seasons in your recovery and in your life, and you are now in a different season. I can spend time with fewer people who have more to give me. So (while lying on the couch drowsing over a novel) I realized it’s time to cut way down on that stuff and just find what nourishes me! And I did, I have!
From about 18 hours a week participating in recovery meetings, sponsoring, giving service, etc., I now spend less than 5 hours a week in that arena, thus freeing up over 13 hours a week for…..what? We shall see. So far, I have used most of it for naps!
The other idea that came, besides that I could (should) put more time and energy generating more business for myself in both my businesses, was that I could volunteer somewhere where my heart is! So I called an organization I love and that is itself a ministry I love, and offered to volunteer there. And the director said that sounded wonderful and even suggested that if I do so, I would be in a natural position to take a job there, once something opens up. What a concept!
Listen, I don’t know exactly what I’m supposed to do, but these little steps FEEL right. My heart and my bones approve. I am able to jump up from the couch to do what I have to do each day, when I know I am doing more things that make my heart sing and I get to spend less time on those that don’t. (Maybe someday I won’t even have to have a daily nap. Or not.)
Either way, exhaustion is my friend and my teacher, and I bow to it in gratitude. Now I’m going to go lie down.