A Dream about Grandma and Reflections on the Funeral Service
June 2, 2005
Grandma would have been 99 years old today, and as I sit on the plane returning from her funeral, I find myself reflecting on her long, well lived life. For the past 15 years, Grandma has been praying to transition from this life into the great mystery. She was the youngest of eleven kids and the only one still alive for quite some time. On May 25, early in the morning, she silently slipped into death, finally making the journey she's been so longing to make.
About 3 weeks ago, I dreamed that I was graduating (from what, I don't know). The graduation rite consisted of walking across a street. My dad (who is still alive) was on the other side of the street and was smiling as he prepared to receive me. All of the other graduates had already walked across the street in groups of four, but I was the last person to graduate and there was no one left to walk with me. I was sad and looked around. Behind me, in a wheel chair, was a woman and behind her, a man and a woman. These folks, I happily realized, would be my graduation group. At first I didn't recognize the woman in the wheel chair, but I quickly noticed that she was my grandmother. In waking life, my grandmother had not been able to walk for about a year, but in my dream, she jumped out of her wheel chair and proceeded to quickly walk across the street. I nervously and happily followed, quite surprised with her agility.
When I woke from the dream, I had a strange sense that grandma was preparing to "cross-over." I called my dad to see if she was OK and he told me that she wasn't doing very well. The dream helped me feel as though this would be a peaceful spirit-journey for her, despite her physical ailments. When my dad called a few weeks later, I wasn't surprised to hear the news of grandma's death. I immediately flew home to Minnesota to be with family and friends for the funeral.
I was aware that this would be the first funeral I attended after becoming an ordained minister. When the funeral began, I listened intently to the service and silently wondered why it was so "blah." I asked myself: What is a funeral? Is it just a space where loved ones come together to grieve? Can it also be a space where people come together to celebrate the life that was lived? It became clear to me that the minister did not know my grandmother, despite his statement to the contrary. He talked about what a great mother and wife she was, but he didn't mention a single personal thing about her. I pondered her life and wondered why he didn't talk about her incredible caramel rolls. Everyone who knew my grandmother had at one point or another tasted one of those gooey, sticky buns. I wondered why he didn't mention her insistence on cooking pork chops, chicken and steak (for the same meal) when unexpected visitors arrived. There was no mention of the plethora of sweets she always had on hand or her love of knitting blankets for her grand kids.
Instead, the minister talked about Methuselah, the biblical character who lived to be 969 years old, considerably longer than Grandma, I might add. This character was mentioned repeatedly in the course of the minister's reflection and was obviously important to the him. Methuselah, you see, walked with God over the course of his lifetime. We were told that Grandma Helen walked with God too. In fact, we were told that God walked with all of us each and everyday. I appreciated the ministers attempt to comfort us, to point out that we are not alone, but I really felt like he missed the mark with regard to connecting with us. I suppose funerals are tricky things to facilitate. They don't usually provide advance warning for those involved. Ministers need to talk to grieving loved ones in order to put together the funeral reflection and this can't be easy. But as ministers, we need to try. We need to connect with families and friends and find out what was important, or at the very least, provide people with a container for sharing memories and reflections.
I did a bit of research on-line and found a website that has questions for people to answer prior to death. The questions can be used to help the living prepare a meaningful funeral service. Some of these questions could also be used when interviewing a grieving family who is preparing a funeral. http://www.funeralceremony.com/Index.htm (click on "my plan" once you go to the site)
If there is a point to this reflection, it is that I've realized the importance of planning ahead so I can let others know what I want said and done during my funeral; to have an idea of what I would like said if one of my loved ones passes away; and also, to consider the purpose of a funeral rite. As a minister, it is important for me to help others create a meaningful ceremony to honor the deceased as well as those who are left behind. Death rites are not something we think about with much forethought in our society, yet these rites provide an incredible opportunity to grieve and celebrate a life that only one person could have ever lived. Each life on this planet is a unique life. What is it that makes your life unique? I invite you to think about what kind of funeral you'd like to have. What do you want people to remember about you?
I'd like to take this opportunity to close my reflection by sharing one endearing memory about my grandmother. About 15 years ago, my family and I were visiting Grandma Helene. She'd spent hours preparing our meal and making homemade meatballs for her spaghetti sauce. After everyone was seated at the dining room table, my grandmother passed around her meatballs and proceeded to put one on my plate. I stopped her before she succeeded and said, "No thanks, Grandma. I'm a vegetarian." She looked at me with suspecting, squinty eyes, and a questioning look on her face. "Are you sure you won't have just one meatball?" She asked. "Yes, I'm sure," I replied."Well, " she said with something that sounded like frustration, "I don't know why you don't want a meatball 'cause that's what the good Lord put cows on this earth for!" She walked away, carrying the meatball in her giant spoon and gave it to my dad. I never forgot that night and will always remember the tasty dishes my grandmother lavished on her family throughout her 99 years. I think perhaps in honor of my grandmother, I'll make a big meal of pork chops, chicken and meatballs (I'm not a vegetarian anymore!). I'll include her homemade recipe for German potatoes and sweet and spicey applesauce. Hmmm. Anyone hungry?